Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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