Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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