My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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