What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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