I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
