I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
