I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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