When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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