I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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