i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
