Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
