you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
