I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
