You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
