i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
