I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
