an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
whose parrot is this?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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