i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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