Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
