Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
