I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
