I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i believe in u and ur pee
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