my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
