I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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