Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
