just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
