I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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