youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
