My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
