may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Randomize
