My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My bed smells like the plague
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
