it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
