I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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