ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
