I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
