1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Your dad touched me again.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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