Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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