Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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