I hate your face
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
