the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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