turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
