Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
