Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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