I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
