so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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