Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
