so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
