why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
