You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
