I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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