ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
