I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
