You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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