I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
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